so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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