Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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