I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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