If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
