life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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