You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
