In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
