Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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