I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
