Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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