Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
