I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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