White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
