Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
