I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
