Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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