Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i love accidental penises.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize