he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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