You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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