How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
