Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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