bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
