I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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