What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
