ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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