I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am naked and annoyed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
