Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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