Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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