dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
