sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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