k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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