Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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