I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
