seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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