I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
why is half of my head shaved?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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