yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
where are my eyebrows?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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