Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
