wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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