i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
