you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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