she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
