i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
