Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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