Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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