Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
