So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just blew my weed a kiss
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
