Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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