when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize