True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
