Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
