I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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