Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
