When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
