i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize