Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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