Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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