i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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