Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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